IvanCauldwellart

I have been meaning to keep a diary for a while now, and every time I sit down to write in it I either get distracted, or find an excuse... But one thing I have noticed is that I am always willing to write a message for a friend who needs a bit of TLC, or who just needs to be reminded that There is happiness in the world. So with that said, here is a little story…

Day in the life of Ivan… Brought to tears by the nostalgic value of a sandwich…

4/7/2016

    Tonight I go to work for the first time in a few months, and I was happy when I woke up feeling relatively good. I have been feeling the dark shadows of depression on the edge of my mind, but with the coming of spring, and my good friends around me, I think I have fended it off for at least a little while.

    I went on a morning run, did some yoga and was feeling generally good all around. Because I was being productive (and the fact that I am usually a space cadet) Lunch was my first real meal of the day besides my morning pre-run smoothie… I went into the kitchen to make a sandwich. Bread, cheese, meat… oooh I forgot we got some tomato, lettuce, hmmm it’s been a little while since I had pickles on my sandwich and I do love bread and butter pickle chips.

    After it was complete I cut it up, and sat down to eat. As soon as I bit down, my my eyes started to water. I had made a sandwich that tasted exactly like “my sandwich” My grandma used to make when we came over to visit. I didn’t cut it into triangles, so obviously it didn’t taste quite as good as grandma sandwich… but it was close enough.

    For a little background… My Dad’s mother, My Grandma Ellie, has been dealing with Alzheimer's for years now. The last few times I have seen her, she didn’t recognise me… She taught community college, and we think she thought I was one of her students. To be fair the last time she saw me I was sans-beard and didn’t have blue hair… But the fact that my own grandmother, who I still love very much, doesn't know me anymore wasn't the issue. It’s been years since I have seen her, many more since she has been able to look at me and call me by my name… That isn’t what brought tears to my eyes…

    One of my most treasured memories is sitting in my grandma’s old house as a child, in my underwear and eating this sandwich. I think of that time and smile. There are a few of those memories that will pull me back from the dark part of my brain…

    Lying under the stars in the middle of the woods on a hot summer night with just me and my dad… being genuinely happy, hammering in a nail with the back of a screwdriver on my first day of preschool… My mom hugging me and telling me she still cares, even if I don’t believe it… and eating this particular sandwich… These are the things that keep me alive inside my own head. I have struggled with depression since I was a small child. I cut my arms up all through Highschool, and have had problems talking to people, and keeping friends as long as I can remember.

    Just yesterday I realised that I had come down from a manic episode influenced by my bipolar. Dealing with depression is a tricky business… almost even more so now that I genuinely feel happy. People who have bad days sometimes say “I’m feeling kind of depressed today” no you’re not. You may be sad, you may be disappointed. But being sad and being depressed are NOT the same thing. When I was a teen, I was DEPRESSED. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy with my life… It was that I COULDN’T be happy with my life. And now that I feel  that I have overcome that to a degree, having a bad day is kind of scarry. Because when you aren’t used to being happy, having that leave you, even for a second can be mortifying. That’s why I try to have such a good attitude all the time.

    My friends have called me “annoyingly chipper”. Which I take to be a compliment. Because if I can turn someone's day around by aggressively snuggling them, or telling god awful puns until they hit me… then I will.

    I have lived enough of my life in a dark world of shades of grey.. And that is what it is like… many of my friends also suffer from some kind of depression, but if you don’t… be thankful. Food tastes like dirt, a summer day can look like a dark cave, your loved ones saying they love you sounds like an empty promise… these are all things that can be helped… you just have to accept it…

    Anyway… this took kind of a dark, beating around the bush kind of turn… but what I meant to say is…

    Keep those treasured memories close. I was going to sit down and play some videogames before I went off to work, but now I think I am going to step outside, and enjoy the sun a little. In this age of technology it is so easy to forget what the Earth has to offer. Parents and friends spend so much time taking pictures of everything, that sometimes we miss what is there. For years I have gone on walks while listening to audiobooks… I now realize that it was to stop myself from dealing with my own thoughts… like this.

    Enjoy the day, great tomorrow with a smile. If you fall down, just laugh at the silly mistake you made, brush yourself off, and get up and try again. It does get better, and There is hope. If it looks dark ahead, know at least I love you, my friends and family that have made it all the way to the end.